Pushed to Our Limits

Pineapple is turning into her mother. Yeah, that’d be me.

Ever had those moments where your kid says something and you have to hide in the other room, quickly turn around, or put your face in a pillow to keep yourself from LAUGHING OUT LOUD? This happens because you IMMEDIATELY recognize the fact that your kid is turning into you (or your DH, I suppose). Case in point….

…SCENE: Pineapple is in her bathroom going potty. I am in her bedroom picking out her outfit for the day. It’s early morning, we haven’t made it downstairs for breakfast yet, and due to hunger and a dislike for getting up + deadlines, we are grumpy.

Me: Are you done going potty yet?

Pineapple: Not yet!

Me: Be sure to wipe your girl parts when you are done!

Pineapple: OK

Me: I hear you moving around in there – are you done?

Pineapple: *flush* YES!

Me: Did you wipe your girl parts?

Pineapple: I am!

Me: Don’t forget to wash your hands.

Pineapple: OK

Me: Did you wipe? There’d better be toilet paper in that potty!

Pineapple: *running water* I WIPED MY GIRL PARTS WITH THE TOILET PAPER!!!! STOP PUSHING ME TO MY LIMITS!!!”

END SCENE

That’s my girl! :)

 

XOXO -

Rachael

April 30, 2013 at 6:00 pm 1 comment

Like the Corners of My Mind….

Damn. Pineapple is getting older. CRAP CRAP CRAP.

I know, I know…those of you that have tollerated me tollerating her throughout her 3rd (and most perilous for all involved) year of life will probably be saying “yay” to that one…seriously 3 year olds are evil. However, I recently realized (like a lightning bolt) that I won’t be able to hold her much longer. When I hold her, her toes dangle below my knees. You got that? My 4 YEAR OLD’s toes dangle BELOW MY KNEES. She’s HUGE! *sigh* That means she’s also getting older. So, I’m gonna do a “posterity sake” post today…deal with it (it’s not like I can find her actual baby book, ya know).

“I love you guys.”

Pineapple didn’t want to get dressed in her room all alone so she joined DH and I in our bathroom/closet area to get changed….and also to use the facilities….after we noticed her walking across the room hunched over in her very specific “I have seriously got to pee but don’t want to stop what I’m doing” way. After both of us screamed, ran in circles, and then calmed down enough to softly encourage her to take those 5 extra steps to the toilet, she demanded privacy so I went back to the counter and DH went back into the closet. A few seconds go by and DH says “You doing OK in there?” “Yep,” responds Pineapple. Then I said “I don’t hear any peeing.” “It’s coming,” says Pineapple. A few seconds go whizzing by (hehe) and we hear “Momma, daddy?” “Yesssss?” we both respond, anticipating the worst. And instead we were pleasantly surprised with “I love you guys.” *happy sigh*

Hiney-butts.

Pineapple has decided that she has a hiney-butt. We have no idea where “hiney-butt” came from other than assuming that this is a conglomeration of names for her backside that arose out of a combination of instructions (i.e. “wipe your hiney”), directions (i.e. “sit down on your hiney (or butt)” depending on the mood), and threats (i.e. “do it again and you’re gonna get a butt spankin’” – reserved for when we are in dire straights and the word “STOP” has been translated to mean “RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN AWAY FROM MOMMA AND DADDY IMMEDIATELY – RUN RUN RUN OR THEY WILL EAT YOU!!!!). Either way, it’s her invention, and it’s kinda cute. But it is mentioned ALLLLLLL THHHHEEEEE TIIIIIIMMMMEEE. Examples:

“I got dirt on my hiney-butt.”

“I’m shakin’ my hiney-butt.”

“Oops! My hiney-butt is cold.”

“Don’t look at my hiney-butt!”

“Hey! Look at my hiney-butt!”

You get the idea. Anyway, it’s kinda cute…but now EVERYBODY and EVERYTHING has a “hiney-butt” and anytime she can see or smack or undress a doll or catch a parent in the shower to see a hiney-butt results in 4 year-old hilarity. UNTIL you hear these words “your hiney-butt is big, Momma.” Game over kid…game. over.

“Gonna listen to your heart beep…”

Oh, Doc McStuffins. Thank you for saving us from that ballet dancing rat, Angelina, and from the seizure inducing programming of Horseland. But your time is almost up, dear. Pineapple ADORES this Disney offering – Doc McStuffins. If you are unfamiliar, “Doc” is a little girl who has a doctor for a mom and fancies herself as a doctor to her stuffed animals…which she animates with her stethoscope…and tells to ‘go stuffed’ when a parental gets near. She does check ups (“TIME FOR YOUR CHECK-UP, TIME FOR YOUR CHECK-UP”) on them and then fixes their owies/boo boos/ouchies whatevs and then they sing the “I feel better” song. It’s cute, it’s clever. Until, like DH, you realize “so this kid thinks she’s a doctor, she spends all her time alone with her stuffed animals, and she’s sure they’re talking to her? Is this a psychosis show?” Oh. yeah, that is a little weird. Also, the stuffies get all kinds of illnesses – a splinter is worth an entire episode….as are the hiccups (which now make Pineapple “sick”). A few things have fallen out of this show: 1. Pineapple has developed a healthy interest in “doctoring” – she has a cute little doctor kit and she really likes to play with it. 2. She doesn’t WANT to check up her dolls (apparently, she’s not psychotic), she wan’t to check up her parents! We are the most fit family on the planet right now per her plastic steth0scope, otoscope, and blood pressure gauge. And we’re tired of it. 3. She’s turned into a little hypochondriac – I’m not kidding. She asks for medicine all the time and does this little “ooooohhhh….shhhhhh…” sucking spit through her teeth noise if she so much as bumps her hand on the counter and says “I got a baaaad boo boo.” 4. She sings the songs. A LOT. And that would be a kind of annoying thing….except for this…there is one point during the “check up” song during which Doc says “I’m gonna listen to your heart beat, fix you up, ready to gooooo.” Well, Pineapple has translated this to a “heart BEEP.” I know, right? You have NO idea how frickin’ cute it is to have a 4 year old come at you with a pretend stethoscope saying “momma be till…I listen to your heart beep.” ACK….just OD’d on cuteness.

What can I say? She’s cute – we’re happy – life is good – and I hope it stays this way. In the meantime, I’ll continue to update my babybook blog and maybe you’ll get a kick out of reading it. Deal? Happy weekend!

XOXO

Rachael

October 26, 2012 at 7:44 pm Leave a comment

An Open Letter to Nanny 911

I really, truly wish that this was a post about my adorable daughter who just turned 4 the other day. I really wish I could talk about how cute she is (she really is), how smart she is (totally), and how funny she can be (seriously – a laugh riot!). But, this is a different kind of post….

…this is about to get real…so be warned.

Dear Nanny – I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SO SO SO SO done. My kid has freakin’ lost her mind and I’m seriously on the verge of visiting a priest, much less reaching out to you. But I figured, hey…why not? Let’s just give it a shot.

Now I know what you’re going to say. “There are no bad kids – just parents that aren’t parenting properly.” Well, I’m here to tell you. That is probably true. But it is also CRAP. This kid is BAD with a capital BAD.

Want to know how I know? She CHOKED me last night. That’s not a joke. She literally choked me. Know why? I was drying her hair. Yep. Drying her wet hair so she didn’t catch a cold/pneumonia/end up in a ditch. That’s all I was doing. I wasn’t torturing her or threatening her life – no real reason for a super violent response. But this is what we’re getting lately.

Here’s my guess: she’s frustrated. She’s upset that we don’t always understand her. She’s upset that we can’t always sit at home with her and instead have to work and she has to go to school. She’s upset that we sometimes want to watch something BESIDES the Disney Channel (we seriously feel honored when we get to watch the Neverending Story, Sky High, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, or Labyrinth…those are basically grown up movies for us now).

I feel like my sweet little girl was eaten by this awful little monster that is demanding (“You sit down WITE NOW! You NO MANNERS!”), rude (“No. I SAY NO!”), mean (“I don’t want you – you go AWAY!”), and violent (in the last month I’ve been scratched, pinched, bitten, kicked, hit and, most recently, choked).

Here’s what we’ve been doing to combat this behavior:

  • Time out – a LOT of freakin’ time out. She even has her own stool for this because she spends so much time there.
  • Talking – a lot of it – a lot of explaining what good behavior is and why bad behavior is no good. Explaining why manners will make her happy in life and how hurtful it is to be mean to others.
  • Spanking – yes, spanking – SORRY FOLKS but it is sometimes necessary. You give me a call when your kid takes off running down the street and towards a shopping center parking lot with you pleading and screaming as your run behind her. Give me a call when she kicks the dog. Give me a call when she is trying to put a screwdriver in the light socket AGAIN. Call me. We can chat.
  • Taking her toys away – at the moment, she doesn’t have a single toy in her room or her bathroom. That’s what happens when you kick and choke mommy while she blow dries your hair. Mommy doesn’t play.

The thing that kills me is that she doesn’t act like this with other people. She’s polite, waits her turn, pays attention. The teachers at her school asked me if she’d been to a formal school before – she has been THAT good. But with me and, to a lesser degree, DH, it’s the freaking EXORCIST.

I get it. I’m a marshmallow. I’m a great big pushover and I’d do anything/be anything/go anywhere for my girl. And she knows it. And she’s pushing me. But damn.

Add to it the fact that she is too danged busy/lazy to go to the toilet 50% of the time and the fact that she RARELY stops moving (constantly climbing, jumping, running, hiding - NEVER stops – and I do mean NEVER – that is not an exaggeration) and you have one burnt out mama.

So, Nanny. What do you say? Wanna come to my house and tell me what a crappy parent I am? I’m game. JUST MAKE IT STOP!

Mkay? Thanks!

XO – RachaelImage

FYI – that’s her time out stool in the background, as well as the dog she kicked, and yes, she is holding her crotch to keep from peeing her pants….again. *sigh*

September 6, 2012 at 5:30 pm 2 comments

How to Tell if Your Toddler is Lying

Did you ask your toddler a yes or no question? (I don’t know….something like “hey, are you naked and wet and tracking water all over the house?”) Did he/she respond?

He/she is lying.

Yes they are.

Yes, you’re a good parent – the kind that teaches wrong from right – the kind that KNOWS wrong from right and tries to demonstrate that.

But your kid is still lying.

OH! Your toddler always tells you the truth? Oh. OK.

Liar.

XO – Rachael

August 23, 2012 at 9:01 pm Leave a comment

Pineapple…the lying kind.

Pineapple...the lying kind.

Who me?????

Continue Reading August 23, 2012 at 8:56 pm 1 comment

The Too Big Bite

<INTRO/DISCLAIMER> I have had an exceptionally busy life the last year and a half or so. During that time, I’ve traveled – frequently, even too much some might say. As such, I made the choice to spend time playing with Pineapple rather than documenting/writing about my experiences with Pineapple. Luckily for me, I’m beginning a new adventure that promises to provide me with more time to document, some might say it even encourages this behavior. So, I’m back – I’m going to do my best to keep coming back – and for those of you who are still interested in hearing about Pineapple and our lives…it’s great to see your sunny faces again! XO – Rach

We have an eater. Not a picky eater. Not a selective eater. We have an EATER – she will eat ANYTHING that sits still and even slightly resembles food. This brings to mind a story DH often tells of the time he approached his mom and proudly announced “I ate a snail!” To which she responded, “no you did not!” To which he replied “Did SO!” and opened his mouth to show the remains of snail guts and shell fragments coating his tongue. I’m not sure either one of them has truly recovered from this experience; but I digress…

I am 100% positive Pineapple gets this trait from her dad, dear old DH. And don’t get me wrong, it’s AMAZING to have a kid we don’t have to wrestle through each meal. We enjoyed brunch with some friends a few weeks ago and watched on in awe as the daddy exclaimed his glee at getting his kid to eat!…pancakes!!!…with white chocolate chips….and chocolate milk….suffice to say, he was just glad the kid put something in his mouth, chewed and swallowed without having to be pinned to the floor while dad manually manipulated his mouth to create a chewing action.

But not Pineapple. Nope. She eats EVERYTHING. She eats all of her food then wants yours. We had a major falling out over another brunch date when Pineapple proceded to eat ALL of the bacon on the table. Including her friend’s bacon. And when I ordered more for her friend, Pineapple made a grab for that, too. In fact, now that I think about it, Pineapple has been guilty of stealing that particular friend’s food since they were both in diapers…I distinctly remember a daycare picnic during which Pineapple crawled off of our blanket, onto her friend’s blanket, and stole her blueberries right out of her lap. That wasn’t exactly pretty either.

Anyway, our big issue with Pineapple lately is what we have all come to refer to as “the too big bite.” Let me paint you a picture:

Pineapple: TOAST!!!!!

Me: Cheers to you, too! :)

Pineapple: NO! WANT TOAST!!!! NOW!!! GET IT!!!!

Me: Oooooohhhhh…you’d like me to serve you by getting you some toast. Can you say please?

Pineapple: peeze *whispered*

Me: OK – go set at the table.

<Pineapple gets all settled and ready for toast. As soon as it pops up, she demands butter and jelly – but not THAT jelly – and more butter (BIG BUTTER) and she can damn well do it herself, thankyouverymuch!>

Now, this is where it gets tricky….Pineapple is a FANTASTIC eater, as I’ve already shared. The problem is, left to her own devices, she would sit in one spot, steadily eating for hours. Nay, DAYS. It takes FOREVER to get through a meal. And I swear she must have hollow legs because there is literally no meat on her scrawny bones. So, when we start to realize this is gonna take a while, we start making threats, such as “you’d better eat or I’m going to eat it!” or “eat up or I’m going to give it to the dog!”

This is when she shoves the ENTIRE remainder of her meal in her mouth. Looks at us completely baffled by the fact that she is now unable to chew due to her mouth being ridiculously full. And then she starts to say….

Pineapple: BOOMOOHHOSOMOOTTIIE

Me: What’s that you say? Don’t talk with your mouth full.

Pineapple: MOOHOBOOOTIITHE

Me: Did you take a too big bite???

Pineapple: *nods head and grunts in affirmation*

Me: WHY?! Why do you do this every time! You know you’re going to time out over this, right?!

Pineapple: *repeats head nod and grunting*

Me: Fine – then spit it out.

(Note to parents: this is one of those times when it helps to be specific. We have learned after several repeats of this scenario that we have to say “go spit it out in the toilet” for reasons you will soon understand.)

Pineapple: PLUUUUHHHHHHH….*spitting the food out right there - on the floor/table/in my lap/in her lap/wherever*

Me: *trying not to puke*

Pineapple: TOAST!!!!! NOW!!! GET IT!!!!

*sigh*

 

XO – Rachael

 

August 22, 2012 at 10:24 pm 5 comments

I’ve lost that lovin’ feelin….

WO-OAH that LOVIN’ FE-e-lin’….

At least that’s what it feels like anyway. Where has my motivation to write gone? Why don’t I feel it anymore like I used to? I love(d) to write…and now, I feel like not only do I not want to write…but what on earth do I have to write about.

So, let’s give this a shot…I’m just going to write about some things that are top of mind for me right now. Think of this as “flow of consciousness” writing ala Rachael. Ready? Here goes:

I need new brown boots. Well, not “need” but “want” new brown boots. I already have brown boots…more than one pair. Is this really how I should spend my money? On more? Can I afford another pair of brown boots??? Why don’t I like the ones I have? So weird.

Halloween candy is the devil. Especially right before I’m planning to go to Hawaii and I have zero motivation and have been sick, so not working out. And my bathing suit is ridiculous. Maybe I won’t wear it. I don’t want to look like a hippo wearing a scarf. Not okay by any standard. But I bet when I’m there I’ll eat a lot of fruit and stuff so maybe I’ll lose weight then and be able to wear it the last day?

My stepmom has been juicing and she lost 25 pounds. I don’t WANT to juice for my nutrition. It sucks. And then I’m just hungry and grumpy about how bad it sucks…but losing 25 pounds would be nice. WHY AM I CURSED WITH CHUB?!

I hate my mascara.

I wish I could afford/had the time to get a pedicure every week. Except while I’m getting them I always worry that the lady is going to cut me. Not in a streetfight kind of way but with those cuticle clippers. I hate those things. It makes the whole experience terrifying. So why do I want to do it so much? I am SO weird.

People are so odd. Why do people get mad at one another for the most random crap? My friend http://freerangeblogger.blogspot.com/2011/10/lets-call-whole-thing-off.html?spref=fb recently received a nastygram via FB from a “friend” who decided she didn’t like the way she talked on FB. Seriously? Don’t look at it moron! This is like when my husband says “everybody keeps posting things on my page” and I have to explain “no silly, they are posting on THEIR pages and it’s coming up in your news feed” and he says “but why are they all saying this to me” and I have to explain “it’s not directed at you – it’s just them talking – if you don’t like it, don’t look at it – the world does not revolve around you!” I think that “friend” of hers has a “center of the universe” complex going on. Sometimes, people suck.

I hate my cell phone. It sucks. It’s a BlackBerry. Don’t buy one. They are terrible.

Pineapple is adorable. Every day she does something adorable. Except for last night when she bit me. And the night before when she head butted me and I’m pretty sure broke my nose. But other than that, she is a total peach. She’s so cute with her rosy cheeks. And she is the supreme snuggler of the universe (I’ve been told this buy her caregivers, as well). Some phrase gems she’s adopted lately:

  • I wanna hold you.
  • Put down me.
  • I do! I do!
  • OOh. I go poop.
  • I lov-a-you-toooooo.
  • I want mama.
  • You stay here – I’ll be right back.
  • Let’s go wis day. (i.e. “this way”)
  • I love it!!!! (when she receives or sees anything she likes)

*sigh* It’s hard to not spend every moment around her…except for the biting moments. Those suck.

I’m tired. There is not enough coffee in the world.

That is all.

I swear, I’m gonna get back on this blogging train. I love blogging and I love keeping a written record of my little family and our experiences…and hopefully, you enjoy it, too. If you’re still there. If not…oh well, I’m not really doing it for anyone but me.

XO

Rachael

 

October 11, 2011 at 9:47 pm 2 comments

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Happily married mommy of 1 with no plans for any additions. Loving every crazy, scary, fun, hilarious, frustrating, amazing minute of parenthood and life in general. I live in Portland, OR and have a great job that I would very much like to keep.

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