Crap I have done to stop my kid from freaking out in public

If you are a parent, then you know the feeling….you’re walking through the store/park/mall/restaurant with a seemingly human child who is interestedly looking at their surroundings. They might be excited or chatty or pointing out new things they like. They’re happily engaging and saying “hi” to everybody that walks by.

Then…..

THEY FREAKIN’ LOSE THEIR EFFING MINDS FOR NO APPARENT REASON AT ALL AND OMG YOU HAD NO IDEA ANYTHING COULD BE SO LOUD AND WHAT DID YOU DO TO DESERVE THIS AND WHY OH WHY GOD WON’T IT STOP?! ^&(&*^%*&(^R%O&^%T

If you’re not a parent – you’ve seen this in action. And at this time, I’d like to beg you to please remember that the parent is FAR more annoyed and aggravated in this moment that you could possibly imagine…so have a heart?

Because truly, I have done some INSANE crap to stop my kid from freaking out in public. Here are a few examples:

Pineapple freaked in the grocery store after we’d had a nightmarish stint at the self-checkout stand where she proceeded to remove all of the paper bags from their holder, rearrange the gum aisle, and sit on the scale. I’d grappled with her and managed to pay for our items; scooped her up and prepared to leave. She decided she didn’t want to be carried and started acting like an insane person. To quiet her, let her walk, and still make it to the car in a timely manner, I jogged through the store, arms full of groceries, with my keys dangling from the back of my pants, repeating “come on Pineapple, grab the keys – almost there” while she frantically tried to keep up – squealing and laughing the whole way…while reaching for my ass.

I once purchased an entire sac of lemons because when we got to the checkout stand and she realized she would have to put them down, she behaved as though I deprived her of food on a regular basis and parting with these lemons might mean she would never eat again. As she gnawed on the lemon rinds through the mesh bag, I figured I’d bought them now. We had a brief meltdown while they were being rung up but the cashier was, thankfully, smart enough (or valued her hearing and sanity enough) to return them quickly.

I sing peeing songs in public toilets. Loudly. Detailing exactly what I’m doing so she’ll stay put, not try to crawl on the floor or under the door, and stop trying to touch everything. I make her clap and dance along while I sing. It’s awful. And to make matters worse, I have to let her “wipe” for me (this would be where she rubs a wad of toilet paper on my knee cap – she’s clearly confused) and then she shouts “bye bye pee pee” as I flush.

My iPhone has suffered as a result of my child. It has been covered in goo and slobber and macaroni and cheese. It has been dropped and thrown and stepped on. But if she is freakin’ out in a restaurant and I am at my wit’s end, it works every time. PSA – I’ve also handed my phone to another parent whose child was going ballistic. Worked like a charm.

I stood in the pacifier aisle in a Walgreens and opened 10 packages to try out the varieties until we found one that worked. She has been a dedicated MAM user ever since. And yes, I bought all of those passies and then donated them.

I cannot tell you how many packages of juice, cookies and crackers I have opened and fed to my daughter in the store. Tomatoes, too. Too many different foods to count and I’ve never once had a clerk complain – I think they’re just grateful I’m doing what I can to shush my ornery kid.

I feel like I’m constantly doing silly things to entertain her – though I can’t think of them all here – share YOUR story!

XOXO Rachael