Tag – Yer It.

Our cat has a tracking device thingy. Well, not so much a “tracking device” (I mean, if she were to wander off, we couldn’t locate her on GPS or anything) but rather an “if found, return to” implant device she received while at the pound before we adopted her. I was thinking about this the other day and began a conversation with DH…it went something like this:

ME: So, I think we should get an implant for Pineapple.

DH: She’s too little for boobs and why would you only want her to have 1 anyway?

ME: No, Dummy Head – a tracking implant…so we can find her when we want or need to.

DH: Where is she going?

ME: UGH! No! For if something happened to her – you know, one of the words we no longer say in this house – or for when she’s older, we could track her to ‘make-out point’ or whatever.

DH: Wow – did you say ‘make-out point’ – you are oooold.

ME: Can you please be cereal?! What do you think?

DH: Well, I think that first, those things are probably super expensive and we couldn’t afford it and B, it would be a total invasion of her privacy.

ME: Nice!…you’re on board! Let’s DO THIS THING!

OK – so this was a (mostly) fabricated conversation between DH and I but the whole “invasion of privacy” declaration on his part did occur…I just disagree. Sort of.

Let me be clear, I do NOT want to be one of those moms who reads my kid’s diary or says things like “this is MY house and as long as you live under my roof you will follow myrules.” But what if I AM one of them and I just don’t know that, yet. I mean after all, she is only one – I could become MUCH more overbearing. I have time. Also, maybe it’s just because right now she is so little – and the thought of her being in a future situation that could prove compromising or *GOD FORBID* someone deciding they might just need my* Pineapple to complete their own home (and that’s painting an awfully pretty picture of it because I can’t even THINK of the other possibility here…<blech> – just threw up a little) makes me a little crazy but I just think that I might be on to something with this tracking device.

So at this point, I’m sure, dear reader, that we are all in agreement on the whole “Pineapple should have a tracking device” conundrum. 

Here comes the bigger issue: do we tell her about it?

I can tell that you are groaning – but just hear me out. See, I’m thinking that we mess with her a bit. Sort of a headgame kind of thing. Here’s my plan:

1. Show up randomly – but frequently – wherever she is.

2. Do this often enough and when she is not expecting me so she notices a pattern and becomes suspicious.

3. When she asks how I always know where she is, I lie about the whole constant surveillance and stalking thing and say something along the lines of: “I’m a mind-reading vampire and I keep tabs on you because I feel protective of you” ….OK – I love me some Twilight – but damn, that is kind of creepy – moving on…

4. Pineapple begins to think I’m magical or psychic or whatever and then she wouldn’t even TRY to do bad things – like sneak out or delay her curfew – for fear that I would find her anyway with my superpower.

5. SUCCESS! Pineapple is a prude and the plan acts as a deterrent to any negative behaviors!

So really, the device may not even be necessary. If I could be super-sleuthy enough to track her down enough to plant the seed during her youth, it could work. I have a plan. And it’s only slightly stalker-ish and only a slight privacy invasion. Oh who am I KIDDING?! Privacy schmivacy! As long as she is living in MY house under my roof….Damn.


*Dear crazy sick-o’s, You come anywhere near my precious daughter and I swear on all that is holy that you will not survive long enough to regret your idiotic decision. Tootles! signed, Pineapple’s VICIOUS and UNMERCIFUL Mommy.

8 thoughts on “Tag – Yer It.

  1. melistress says:

    Dude! I am all for the implant (or a reasonable hand drawn facsimile). Let me tell you why. On Saturday DH let our six year old go to her friend’s house by herself telling her to come back and tell us what house she lives in. I was oblivious to this because I was in the other room. He also told her NOT to phone him with this information because it would be a bother to the parents.

    8:00pm comes along and I tell him that maybe someone should go get her. Where is she? He says # 23. How does he know that? I don’t know because apparently (and I lacked this knowledge as well not knowing the details of the arrangement) she didn’t come back.

    Now, there is a little girl of ours somewhere out in our rural mobile park and we don’t know where.

    All of this would have been solved if we had had her microchipped to begin with. Remind me to try and pass her off as our cat on our next vet visit.

    Oh, and we did find her. We had to be all creepy and ask other children if they knew where this other little girl lived.

    • I swear…MEN! A few weeks ago I happened to be looking out of my kitchen window and saw a 2 year old running down the street after her dog! Had no idea who she belonged to but ran outside and stopped her. It was TERRIFYING how readily she let me hold her hand and walk her down the street. And guess who comes RUNNING frantically up – you guessed it – DAD. Not that Dads are bad – DH is world class – but sometimes, they just forget to close the gate, ya know?

      While I’m not actually considering the tracking device implant, I do LOVE those little tattoo tag things – the ones where you put the temporary tattoo on your kid’s arm and then you can write your phone number, etc., on the appropriate lines. I’m gonna invest in some of those for Pineapple. I CANNOT remember what they are called, though…taggies??? Tattoo’s for you?! *sigh* – I’ll have to Twitter it.

  2. I don’t get this line: “ME: Can you please be cereal?! What do you think?”

    Are you trying to say your husband has gone crazy, e.g. Coo Coo for Coco Puffs? Are you saying he is a Fruit Loop? Or, not to be too corny, are you saying he is a Flake?

    On the plus side, if your pineapple tracking implant works right, it may save her from meeting a cereal killer.

  3. I will chip them and tell them about it, as soon as it is readily available. To be fair, I’d chip myself, too. God only knows what kind of trouble I can still get into. I’d want someone to be able to find me if I needed help.

    • I’m serious about those informational tattoo things…I’m going to get them for my whole family! And we live in PDX where the brew pubs abound…it couldn’t hurt to have some sort of identifier to paste on prior to a pub crawl…just sayin.’

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