Our cat has a tracking device thingy. Well, not so much a “tracking device” (I mean, if she were to wander off, we couldn’t locate her on GPS or anything) but rather an “if found, return to” implant device she received while at the pound before we adopted her. I was thinking about this the other day and began a conversation with DH…it went something like this:
ME: So, I think we should get an implant for Pineapple.
DH: She’s too little for boobs and why would you only want her to have 1 anyway?
ME: No, Dummy Head – a tracking implant…so we can find her when we want or need to.
DH: Where is she going?
ME: UGH! No! For if something happened to her – you know, one of the words we no longer say in this house – or for when she’s older, we could track her to ‘make-out point’ or whatever.
DH: Wow – did you say ‘make-out point’ – you are oooold.
ME: Can you please be cereal?! What do you think?
DH: Well, I think that first, those things are probably super expensive and we couldn’t afford it and B, it would be a total invasion of her privacy.
ME: Nice!…you’re on board! Let’s DO THIS THING!
OK – so this was a (mostly) fabricated conversation between DH and I but the whole “invasion of privacy” declaration on his part did occur…I just disagree. Sort of.
Let me be clear, I do NOT want to be one of those moms who reads my kid’s diary or says things like “this is MY house and as long as you live under my roof you will follow myrules.” But what if I AM one of them and I just don’t know that, yet. I mean after all, she is only one – I could become MUCH more overbearing. I have time. Also, maybe it’s just because right now she is so little – and the thought of her being in a future situation that could prove compromising or *GOD FORBID* someone deciding they might just need my* Pineapple to complete their own home (and that’s painting an awfully pretty picture of it because I can’t even THINK of the other possibility here…<blech> – just threw up a little) makes me a little crazy but I just think that I might be on to something with this tracking device.
So at this point, I’m sure, dear reader, that we are all in agreement on the whole “Pineapple should have a tracking device” conundrum.
Here comes the bigger issue: do we tell her about it?
I can tell that you are groaning – but just hear me out. See, I’m thinking that we mess with her a bit. Sort of a headgame kind of thing. Here’s my plan:
1. Show up randomly – but frequently – wherever she is.
2. Do this often enough and when she is not expecting me so she notices a pattern and becomes suspicious.
3. When she asks how I always know where she is, I lie about the whole constant surveillance and stalking thing and say something along the lines of: “I’m a mind-reading vampire and I keep tabs on you because I feel protective of you” ….OK – I love me some Twilight – but damn, that is kind of creepy – moving on…
4. Pineapple begins to think I’m magical or psychic or whatever and then she wouldn’t even TRY to do bad things – like sneak out or delay her curfew – for fear that I would find her anyway with my superpower.
5. SUCCESS! Pineapple is a prude and the plan acts as a deterrent to any negative behaviors!
So really, the device may not even be necessary. If I could be super-sleuthy enough to track her down enough to plant the seed during her youth, it could work. I have a plan. And it’s only slightly stalker-ish and only a slight privacy invasion. Oh who am I KIDDING?! Privacy schmivacy! As long as she is living in MY house under my roof….Damn.
*Dear crazy sick-o’s, You come anywhere near my precious daughter and I swear on all that is holy that you will not survive long enough to regret your idiotic decision. Tootles! signed, Pineapple’s VICIOUS and UNMERCIFUL Mommy.