The Journey Through Time Makes Me Want to Barf – Part III

…When we left off, our heroes were finishing up the baby proofing and I was very upset because Granny had already made the trip to the grocery store….

So Granny walks in with several bags of groceries – much to my dismay. The reason for my upset is that visiting the local grocery store is seriously one of the highlights of my visits. Take for example the following:

Example #1: I was pregnant – the 1st time (which didn’t end really well) – and didn’t know I was pregnant – and a woman that my MIL knew walked right up to me and said “Oh congratulations! When are you due?!” Now, I’m not the skinniest chick on the block, but I hardly think I just look pregnant all of the time! So as I stood flabbergasted, and my MIL stood with her mouth hanging open, this woman reached out and touched my (mostly flat) stomach!!! WTHell?! So, I informed her that I was NOT expecting – and she kind of looked at me with her head cocked to the side and said “huh” and pushed her cart away. In retrospect, she may have been psychic – or a witch.

Example #2: I was fully preggo with Pineapple when MIL and I were making our traditional visit to the grocery store. We bumped into a friend of hers who happens to be a midwife. This lady proceeded to ask me about my birthing plan. In the grocery store. With cowboys all around. So I said: “As soon as they are willing to administer drugs, I’m takin’ ’em and I may dip into the whiskey in the car on the ride to the hospital.” She stared at me as though I’d just sprouted antlers and declared: “You do not need drugs to get through the birthing process. If it was good enough for Jesus, then it is good enough for you.” MIL just stood there with her mouth open, once again (I’m beginning to think she may be a little afraid of me, too.) Meanwhile, I looked at her and said “well, nobody in their right mind should be comparing me to Jesus anyway – I think he’s got one up on me.” All the while, I’m thinking “are you effing kidding me crazy lady?! And correct me if I’m wrong here but historically, Jesus has been portrayed as a dude – I’m pretty sure he never gave birth – with or without drugs.” But I’m much too polite to embarrass her in public. (The interwebs don’t count. ; )

So, you can see why I enjoy these trips. I think I’m a weird-o magnet and it is SO FUN.

Given my love of JD (“John Day” from this point forward) stores, DH offered to take me in to town to grab a few items that Granny forgot, so we headed out. We didn’t go far enough into town to pass the sole red light but we did briefly get stuck on a bridge that was under construction. We also saw several cows, a few goats, some chickens, many, many dejected looking dogs, a couple of cats, some deer and a coyote. It took us 8 minutes to get to the store. If that ain’t country, then I don’t know what is.

Upon arrival, DH had to tell me (again) all about how he bagged groceries at this store when he was in high school. Then we walked around, eyes bugged out, as we took in the ASTRONOMICAL prices that store charges for the most mundane items. Granted, it’s in the middle of nowhere and shipping is probably crazy, but COME ON – it just seems like highway robbery….literally. After grabbing some lactose free milk (for Pineapple), some immunity boosting juice (for Pineapple), a new toothbrush and toothpaste (for Pineapple), and a a $10 six-pack of beer (not for Pineapple), we were making our way through the soda aisle when we ran into three hunters. They were laughing and talking and smacking each others’ backs and having a grand old time…until we turned onto their aisle. I swear, there was not a word uttered the ENTIRE time we walked down that aisle. I have no idea what happened there but it was weeeeird.

At the checkout counter the nice lady informed us we could have a free block of cheese if we spent more than $50 but we’d have to go get it ourselves. (Sorry – LOL break.) We didn’t hit $50 so missed out, but we did have a very nice conversation about the life size posters hanging from the ceiling depicting the local high school’s girl’s volleyball team. Life size. In volleyball outfits. Meaning: seriously, seriously short shorts. For all to see. And some of those girls were really pretty – and did not look like they were in high school. Apparently the grocery store has a printer that makes these posters so they do them for all the sports. I was waiting for DH to comment on how pretty the girls were – given that he was staring at the posters – but instead, he turns to the cashier and says “I went to high school here and played all sorts of sports and I never got a life size poster.” Huh.

That night, I dodged a major bullet when my MIL agreed to go to the high school football game with DH. He was desperate to go and I was desperate to not go and freeze my hiney off. They had a blast and came home jazzed up by the landslide win (Go Prospectors!) and full of stories about how the women seated around them constantly gossiped about the cheeleaders. Apparently, there are some issues there. But that’s neither here nor there for my blog. I refuse to spread teenage girl gossip.

I stayed in with Pineapple – prepared her for bed and tucked her in all nice and cozy. Then my FIL and I sat on the couch chatting about kids: raising them, loving them, not ripping your hair out over them. It was a really nice conversation and it gave us a chance to get to know one another better.

I have to say – I am truly blessed. I have wonderful in-laws. They are genuinely nice, caring people – although at this point in the post, I can hear my SIL in the background saying “if MIL and I were hanging from a cliff and you could only save one of us, who would it be?” (XOXO AuntieT! ; ) – aka “Naughty Auntie.”)

TO BE CONTINUED – COMING NEXT WEEK: In Part IV we will explore a JD consignment shop as well as the local nightlife – as in bars – where someone almost beat me up – don’t miss it!

4 thoughts on “The Journey Through Time Makes Me Want to Barf – Part III

  1. It sounds like DH made the right move. He, of course, took a good long look at the posters (as any guy would have). But he was smart enough to say something dismissive (that he never had the honor of being a supermarket sports star) so that you’d look like the bad guy if you ever mentioned it. He deserves a high 5 for that.

    But on the flip side, don’t you have to wonder if at the high school game he kept an eye out for those poster sized sports stars? I’m sure that he would have just politely asked for an autograph if he saw them. But the timing sure is suspect that he saw giant posters of girls in short shorts and then suddenly decided to go to a high school football game and he leaves his wife behind. Hmm….

    And on a more important note, $10 for a six-pack of beer is highway robbery. Knowing you, it was probably something classy like Coors Light instead of one of the many wonderful microbrews available in the great state of Oregon.

    I’m looking forward to reading part IV and the chick fight story.

    • Couple-a points:
      1. I think you give DH WAY to much credit…he frequently puts his foot in his mouth so I’m certain he really was distraught that he was never a “supermaket sports star.” Also, he went to the game with his mom….take your wife (who is SMOKIN’ HOT – LOL! – to the game so all the other chica’s understand your status as male stud and are instantly intrigued or take your mom and have all the chicks wondering if you still live with her?…yeah. I’m thinkin’ not.

      2. It was Stella Artois..but STILL highway robbery! ; )

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