The Journey Through Time Makes Me Want to Barf – Part IV

…..aka “The Longest Post EVER”…..

On Saturday, SIL showed up, apple pie-makings in hand, with her BF and kiddos to swoon and squee all over Pineapple. An activity which was slightly off-putting for Pineapple at first but quickly became fun as she realized her cousin T was willing to crawl around on the floor, play with books and toys, and help her out with her stroller to her little heart’s content. It was a glorious time for Pineapple, to say the least.

A bit later, SIL decided that she and I should venture down city-way in order to visit a consignment shop just outside of town that is only open every three weeks or so. She sung its praises until I threw on my coat – didn’t bother with makeup because, come on folks…consignment store in eastern Oregon – and we took off.

She promptly plugged her iPod into my car’s sound system and began singing along loudly to a country song that included a lyric about a lude activity involving bunnies. It was really a cute/funny song…but I couldn’t get into it because I was focused on the fact that she and I had some time alone, and I had to get the scoop on all things Auntie. (None of which I will share here because I love her and, more importantly, she would kill me – I fear, quite literally.) We did discuss the fact that she and I are in charge of Christmas stocking stuffers this year – and YAY! I love Christmas and I LOVE stockings!

We soon arrived at the consignment shop and I have to admit, I immediately wished I’d taken a few extra moments to apply some makeup because it was actually quite quaint and had some FABULOUS stuff! Apparently the woman’s daughter worked for some time at Anthropologie…and therefore, the little shop had some serious style going on. There were some adorable sweaters and tops and a FABULOUS faux snakeskin bag that I had to have…it was COOL. I swear! Also, the jewelry was amazing! The owner’s mother makes it all herself from antique and leftover jewelry pieces and it was pretty and cheap. I bought way to much. We were there for 2 HOURS! Not sure how that happened – but it was worth it. I’ll have to call SIL and get the name of the shop in case you ever happen to be in the area on a 3rd weekend. Totally worth a stop!

That evening, we decided that we needed to visit the local bars because ‘when in Rome’ and all that. So we all got gussied up – which means I put on my very best jeans I had with me (which, coincidentally, was also the ONLY pair of jeans I had with me), a big sweater/blanket (it’s pretty – not in a Snuggie way) and some boots – because you can’t go out shit-kickin’ if you don’t have boots!

Our first stop was supposed to be the bar that SIL manages because it is 100% haunted – the Ghost Hunters people are even rumored to be considering it for a location – and I was dying to see the basement, where all the spooky goes down. But unfortunately, it was closed because they didn’t have any business all evening. So we went to our 2nd choice establishment (I’m not naming names to protect the innocent).

It was brightly lit, smelled like deer meat and beer and had 2 tables and 4 video poker booths. I ordered a vanilla vodka and diet coke. It was poured like so: voooooooooooooddddddddkkkkkkkkaaaaaaaaaaaa *diet coke*. Now, I’m hard core (shyah!) but not THAT hard core…so I had the bartendress split it into two drinks. After the 1st one, the video poker machine started calling my name. So I gave it $5 so it would shut up.

We quickly became bored at drinking location #2 and when we were told that “The Toilet” was opening, we said “YEEHAW! We are so there!!” When we walked in, I found out why it is called “the toilet” (will give you 2 guesses but I bet you only need 1).

*SPOILER ALERT*  – ALMOST CHICK FIGHT AHEAD!

So, I made my way to the bar and DH went to the actual toilet while SIL and her BF stood to the side of the room talking with a friend. I ordered 2 Coors Lights and while waiting noticed a pretty blue bottle called “Hypnotiq.” Being the curious sort, I asked the bartendress what that was. It was at this point that the rather beefy girl standing next to me decided to slur drunkenly in my direction, saying “yer sssmart…with yer biiig words and stuff…I bet you’re ABOUT to find out what that meanssss.” I know it doesn’t seem too surly – but believe me, the look that accompanied her statement was SCREAMING ‘yer about to get yer ass kicked prissy pants.‘ Me, being the hard core badass that I am, smiled at her, nodded and turned back to the bartendress who began politely explaining what it was. Then little miss meat packing district decided to chime in once again with a “heeyyy, I wasss talkin’ to you about that bottle…you wanna see what it iss up clossse?” To which, I employed some MAJOR badassery by once again smiling, nodding, and then taking my two beers and promplty fleeing the area.

I ran over to my SIL and told her what just happened and discreetly pointed at the girl in question. SIL looked at me and said “that’s ____ _____” (I cannot for the life of me remember beef jerky’s name) and she continued, saying “and if she starts anything like that again, you just run away from me and over there to my friend ____ (also can’t remember the name) because SHE is tough, not like me, and she’ll fight for you. That girl is TROUBLE.

Not wanting TROUBLE,  I tracked down DH and headed for the “dance floor” which was just the adjacent room with no lights on and a large fellow playing songs from his iPod list – which was actually a very good list.

DH, SIL, her BF and I spent the rest of the evening dancing like whacked out chipmunks – we did the Roger Rabbit, the Hammer dance, some Ice Ice Baby and we put an awful lot of ‘rings on it’ and we had a blast. At one point we were all standing outside on the balcony so the smokers could smoke and as snow started to fall, SIL’s BF proclaimed “I’m out of firewater! I’ll give someone my house for a beer!” and I was informed that SIL really thought the giant guy from the Green Mile was actually that big. Which prompted an entire round of “I took the bad stuff inside me boss“es. It was actually really funny – and the snow was falling like we were trapped in a backwoods snowglobe…and I thought…this ain’t half bad y’all.

TO BE CONTINUED (next post is LAST in this series…I SWEAR!)

2 thoughts on “The Journey Through Time Makes Me Want to Barf – Part IV

  1. Awwww Jeez. Way to leave a girl hangin’.
    I must know what happenes next because… well… I have never been to Oregon.
    So there.

    PS- glad you didn’t get your ass kicked. At least not yet, as far as I can tell.

    • You may rest easy…my ass was not kicked. It was a close one, though. Maybe next time – we will be back for Halloween. 🙂

      The next post in the series will be mostly about the return trip…which is the reason for the title. (blech)

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