I Never Knew….

I never knew so many things until I had Pineapple. For example…

I never knew fear. I never knew what it was like to have your heart live outside of your body. (I can’t remember where I read that or who said it – but it is the truest description of being a mom that I’ve ever heard.) She’s so small and fragile…and important. I worry for her well-being every second of every minute of every day…and I’m thankful for each of those moments.

I never knew that a lot of moms are at work missing their kids. I didn’t know what it meant that I would have to go to work each day and leave my child with other people. That I would miss her and wish for her and want her so much that more times than I care to admit, my keyboard has been damp. I feel bad that I never knew that about those women – and they maybe I should have cut them a little slack.

I never knew that I was resourceful. I mean, I knew I had some tricks up my sleeve, but I never realized how truly resourceful I can be when necessary. I have found that I can entertain a grumpy child with nothing more than a ponytail holder and my shoelaces…at least for a few moments. I can also change a diaper on nearly any surface and not care in the least when my kid throws up down the front of me in the store. I didn’t realize I had that in me. But I do.

I never knew DH would be such a good dad. I suspected he would be fun and sweet but I never knew he’d be tender and generous and comical at times. I guess I totally lucked out there.

I never knew how hard it would be to live so far from so much of my family once I had a child. I feel like they are missing her life…and mine. My life is not the same – it’s so different as a parent and I feel like they are missing it. I also feel more like I’m missing theirs…life is precious – too precious to be far away from people you love. It’s very, very hard.

I never knew that pushing a child in a toy car could be so exhausting. It is. So is playing with the same blocks and puzzles for hours. So is replacing all of the clothes that she just removed from the drawers. So is replacing all the pots and pans after playing in a makeshift band on the kitchen floor. And so is rocking a child who refuses to go back to sleep. It’s exhausting…but it also makes me feel like for that moment, I am REALLY alive…really present. Those activities just require your full attention – guess that means they’re worth it. 😉

I always think to myself, “Pineapple needs me.” I’m here to guide her and help her and be her mommy. I’m here to help her through her life – the good days and the bad. I’m here to nurse her when she’s sick and teach her all the things I can so she can be prepared for the world. So isn’t it funny that now I find I’ve learned more from her – and from teaching her – than I have in the last 34 years without her? So the biggest thing I never knew until I had her? I never knew I needed her.

6 thoughts on “I Never Knew….

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