Pineapple has become not only aggressive and loud but aggressively loud. DH and I frequently feel “under attack” and are learning to manage it but I thought it might be helpful to share with you the ways to spot if you are being attacked by an unruly Pineapple….Good luck…and God bless….
SIGNS YOU’RE IN IMMINENT DANGER OF A PINEAPPLE ATTACK
- It’s quiet. Too quiet. And where is the dog???
- You smell something that doesn’t smell good or right…and you’re not sure where the smell is coming from…but you can hear a crinkly noise headed your way. Run now – or better yet, call for your significant other because this means Pineapple is headed your way with a full diaper.
- You hear a high-pitched squeal and a stomping noise moving closer. She’s on the warpath and will most likely wrap her little arms and legs around your calf and stare at you pleading “up peeez.” This is impossible to fight off. You will be unable to resist. It doesn’t matter what you are doing…even using the bathroom. LOCK THE DOOR!
- You hear “hi…hi….hi….hi…” This is the battlecry of the Pineapple. She does this to disarm you. It seems really, really cute…but understand that this is intended to throw you off guard. You will soon feel her wrath.
- You see the dog and/or cat running in your direction. They are running FROM something. Most likely a menacing Pineapple. You’re probably already out of time but it may be worth attempting to look busy.
SIGNS YOU ARE ALREADY UNDER ATTACK
- Your shoulder/chest/stomach/arms/legs feel damp and gooey – possibly even sticky. She has slimed you with snot, spit up, food particles and drool. Even if you escape, you will wear her mark…there is no hope for you.
- You are awoken by a tiny fist to the nose. You’re not even safe in sleep. Please understand though that this fist will be followed up with the request for a bottle…submit immediately or perish.
- You’re in a crowd of people at Target and they are all staring at you. The screaming and kicking toddler at your feet combined with the stares are a sure indicator that the gig is up and folks will now become aware that Pineapple is control…not you. The other parents will understand…the rest of the store will either be annoyed or simply feel sorry for you.
- You find dirt on the floor in your bedroom and Pineapple carrying fistfuls from the flowerbed and sandbox just outside of the sliding door. Again, she’ll throw a “hi” at you and bat her weensy lashes. She owns you. Surrender now and accept your fate.