Kids should come with disclaimers. For real. There are tons of things nobody told me before I had a kid – most of them good, some of them awful – but there should be a handbook or guide or something. Those What to Expect books fall short, IMHO, on providing details about the odd little rashes, itches, owies, and yuckies that kids get.

For example…Hand, Food, and Mouth Disease. Seriously. (And no, not to be confused with “Hoof and Mouth” Disease.) This little doozy is related to chicken pox and causes painful canker sores inside of your wee one’s mouth, on the palms of their hands, and the soles of their feet. Oh and when the ones on their hands and feet get all blistery, they pop and release pus. Dis-gusting. We narrowly avoided this one earlier this week but now I have to live in fear…waiting for the next outbreak. And I know that primarily kids under 10 get this one but I swear my throat is hurty and I’m pretty sure I have a canker sore – and my feet feel a little raw – possibly due to the many walks in the beautiful weather, wearing inappropriate shoes but that’s neither here nor there…and oh crap…I am such a friggin’ hypochondriac. Moving on…

The drooling. For. The. Friggin’. Love. I am SO OVER the DROOLING. I’ve literally taken to encouraging Pineapple to close her mouth and make a kissy noise in order to suck up some of that drool. I’m sick of wearing it and I’m sick of my house appearing to be infested by a gang of bi-pedal snails who happily trail their Kix Cereal and ketchup drool all over the place. ENOUGH ALREADY! I’ve been told, by the doctor no less, that this WILL stop and Pineapple will not be the only kid in highschool happily drooling all over her desktop…but I gotta say…I’m unconvinced at this point in time.

What is with the yeast infection butt rashes??? How on Earth does she develop a yeast infection on her BEHIND?! I simply do not get it. And it’s bright red and raw and irritated and I KNOW it’s painful…I just don’t get it. But a quick tip – if your kidlet gets this, a friend of mine who works in pediatrics told me to just get some myconizol (some monistat or lotrimin will do) and mix it with some Vaseline (you don’t want to use hiney cream because there’s alcohol in the cream that can sting). It works great, it’s cheap and I can make just as much as I need. (Disclaimer: I am NOT a doctor so take this for what it’s worth.)

Weird boogers are disgusting…and why does my kid always HAND them to me?! She sneezed the other day and walked over saying “here mama” and I reached out my hand expecting something sweet from my Pineapple only to receive a slimy brown thing that was actually rather large. I put two and two together and figured out that she had sneezed this out of her nose. It was BIG. And after dismissing the idea that it was a baby slug – OMG, I seriously thought that for a moment and was near vomiting – I realized it was a piece of bark mulch from the playground…that she had CLEARLY shoved up her nose. WHY?! Who knows why. I swear. *groan*

Speaking of orifices…what is with the…ahem….how to say this politely?…digging around? Honestly…get your hands out of your pants already! Why oh why does she do this?! I’ve had other friends tell me their little girls are the same – and some of my friends with boys have told me tales of this sort of “exploring” that make me thankful I have a girl – but seriously, some times her “explorations” just look painful. I can’t tell her not to do it – it is hers after all and I don’t want to freak her out about it or anything – but I will be so glad when this phase is over. :S

I’ve started having dreams about cleaning her diapers. In my dreams, her diaper is leaking and it’s so messy and gross and I’m trying to clean it and it just won’t get clean. This makes me think it’s time for potty training but from what I understand, that is no walk in the park either and I’m not quite prepared to have pee and other stuff (besides the DROOL and food bits) all over my floor. Not yet. But I’m getting close.

When she looks like this, she’s likely to go from happy to mad in SECONDS.

And I know she’s 2 years old and she’s going through a lot – lots of changes and development and learning and BLAH BLAH BLAH…but this attitude of hers just sucks. She can be downright mean. And not just to me – although I am the primary target – but also to her caregivers at school. And particularly, the caregiver that looks like me. And she’ll randomly decide she doesn’t want me to pick her up – she wants dad to do it – but then NO! – not dad! MOMMY! – but NO…DADDY! *Frustration, thy name is PINEAPPLE.* For example, I loaded her in the car after school the other day after she’d run to the car saying “YAY!” only to have her freak out the moment I put her in, take a swing at me (no joke), and yell “NO NO NOOOO!” All while sobbing loudly. I asked “is something pinching? Are you OK? What happened?!” and she just looked at me with venom in her eyes and screamed at the top of her lungs. I had no idea what to do. After much pleading for any additional information from her she told me she wanted “out!” I said “don’t you want to go home and see daddy and the puppy and kitty?” and she said “YES!” and I said “then you have to ride in the car” and she said “NOOOOOOO!!!!” I then calmly said “well, too bad” and walked around the car, got in the drivers’ seat, and cranked up some dance music. At which point….

….she proceeded to dance.

(So. Cute. Heart. Melty.)

She was bopping her head and when the music said “I throw my hands up in the air sometime” she actually put her tiny hands in the air…and waved them. I love this kid. She’s so friggin’ cute. I know she sounds like a pain in the butt – which she kind of is…some of the time – but OMG. She’s just my world.


I think I’m doomed. Agree?


3 thoughts on “Hand, Foot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?

  1. Amen to all of those things. Only “amen” sounds like I’m happy, when what I really mean is OMG MY KID TOO YUCK BLECH.

    Did you know the formal name for hand, foot & mouth is coxsacky disease? Maybe the funniest disease name ever.

    We have dance parties to that same song. It’s excellent toddler dance music, even in the car.

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