SAHM

Last week, I worked from home…with Pineapple. Why you ask? Oh, because every summer and every winter her daycare closes down for a week…for vacation. Which I pay for. Great for them but a HUGE pain in the butt for DH and I.

Anyway, I had an opportunity to be a SAH/WFHmom …and let me tell you…SAHM’s do NOT get paid enough! Here are some of the insane entertaining things Pineapple did during our time together:

  • Removed every single wipey from the container. She then systematically used each one to wipe her baby’s hiney…the baby’s back end was SOGGY when she was done – which is not good because this wasn’t one of those “Betsy Wetsy” dolls…this was an old-fashioned, fabric baby. Not to mention, wipeys?…NOT CHEAP!
  • LICKED MY ARM during a phone meeting. She licked it for most of the call. When she wasn’t licking my arm, she was making that “babble, babble, babble, babble” noise. Also, at another point during the meeting – which I had on speakerphone because clearly, my hands were full – one of the men in the call spoke and Pineapple yelled “HI DADDY! HI DADDY! HI DADDY!!” Em. Barrassing.
  • Dug all of the dirt out of a potted plant that was right behind my seat. I was busy working and she was supposed to be busy playing puzzles. She wasn’t playing puzzles. She was playing “remove the dirt from the potted plant and put it all on my soggy baby.” She was a mess – the floor was a mess – the baby was DISGUSTING.
  • Ate constantly. I’m not even kidding. I honestly do not remember a moment – aside from naptime – when that kid was not eating. She even figured out how to get the cereal out of the cabinet and put it into a bowl for herself. She also figured out how to shake the bowl and fling cereal all over the kitchen and how to put cereal in the dog’s bowls. She’s a thinker, that kid of mine.
  • Practiced her eagle call. A lot. ūüė¶
  • Learned to say “up please” and once she learned that, said it about every 5 minutes.
  • Removed the “5” and “L” keys from my computer keyboard. I replaced them but they don’t work quite right any longer. I’m just thankful that she didn’t eat them.
  • Gave me big smacky kisses through the window – I even have a little video of that – Enjoy!

<TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES SUCK>

  • Played with her cousin, Tyler, who was also staying with me and supposed to be “helping.” She was a joy to be around…but the “helpful” part is debateable.
  • Ate yogurt at the mall with wild abandon. She had it in her hair, smeared on her arms, leg, face, baby doll, stroller. She LOVED the frozen yogurt. And she’s such a big girl. She sat on the seat – most of the time – and used the little spoon to scoop up her yogurt. So cute.
  • Helped to pull weeds. Our back yard is one giant weed. We quite literally have more weeds than grass – I can’t figure out if the is because of our lack of sunshine throughout the year or just because Oregon is a weedy place but it’s TERRIBLE. I weed constantly and get nowhere. When Pineapple “weeds,” she pulls all of my flowers in the bee garden…great.

During the week I also got a ton of hugs, kisses, snuggle time, play time, heard “mama” a lot, and got to see my Pineapple’s shining face all day long – the perfect inspiration to work hard and succeed. But I’ll admit that when the time came to go back to my quiet, well-lit, air conditioned office, I didn’t cry. I was actually a little excited. And to be honest…Pineapple seemed happy to head back to school, as well. I don’t know how SAHM’s do it. It is HARD work with few rewards…but I guess the rewards are worth it. In my humble opinion, Pineapple kisses could be traded for gold.

 

Karma is a Clumsy Bee-yotch

A few days ago, Pineapple came home from daycare school with a busted lip. Apparently she was playing on the plastic alligator seesaw and took a header into the tail.

The next morning, she woke up with a weensy shiner under her right eye –¬†I suspect her farm magnet toy on the refrigerator for that little doozy –¬†and she also had little cuts on her fingers that she received when playing in her bobby drawer (her drawer in the kitchen filled with Tupperware and plastic cups) and¬†inevitably shutting in her little fingers.

Needless to say she was a wreck.

So when I arrived at daycare school that afternoon, I wasn’t exactly keeling over with shock when I was informed that she was now wearing a sparkly green bandaid on her forehead because she got a tiny cut while diving for the sign-out clip board.

The caregiver was so nice – listening while I explained that DH is just SO uncoordinated and has absolutely zero rhythm – I mean, that guy INVENTED the white guy dance. He owns that thing – we get royalties (I so wish) – and that given out much Pineapple looks like him, surely he is to blame. She reassured me that this is a stage fraught with bumps, bruises and little owies as¬†Pineapple struggles to master the difficult skill called walking. I lamented the fact that unfortunately, she didn’t inherit my natural grace and coordination. *sigh*¬†

With that, I¬†made my way over to the stairs leading down to the big play room where Pineapple was located….

and FELL. DOWN. THE. STAIRS.

I slipped on the second step and SLID at mach¬†3 down the remaining eleven. On my ass. Using my left elbow as a prop. Bonking my hip, back and head the whole way down. Only to land in a heap on the second to last step in front of all the tiny faces of Pineapple’s friends as they grasped the bars of the long baby gate and stared at me with Japanese-anime-sized-dinner-plate eyes.

To my credit, I didn’t cuss once. (GO ME!)

I merely sat up. Gathered myself and checked for any broken bones. I looked at my swiftly-turning-blue elbow and massaged my tender right hip/buttock area and made a valiant attempt not to moan out loud…even though I was doing quite a bit of internal groaning.

Assuring all the wee ones (and the caregivers who were looking on and, I’m certain, contemplating if I had a case) that I was just fine and only suffering from a few dings and a well-dented ego,¬†I hobbled over to Pineapple, painfully scooped her up and made my way to the door.

For the last several days, I’ve been in pain. My left ankle is slightly twisted, my back is SO SORE it hurts to sit, my right hip bone feels like I dislocated it, my head hurts,¬†and my left elbow is gradually turning green. And 2 thoughts continuously swirl around in my brain each time I step wrong or stretch or rest my elbow on something: 1) Thank the LORD I am not yet so old that a fall down the stairs at daycare school is completely debilitating, and 2) Karma is a clumsy bee-yotch because if I hadn’t been saying all that stuff about DH and poor Pineapple lacking my inherent grace, this probably wouldn’t have happened.

Thank you for your impromptu lessen in humility, Karma. Now, back off. Kisses! XOXO

Oh – and if anyone has any recommendations for muscle ointments (or ego ointments *sigh*) I’m open to suggestions!