Holy Garage Sale Hell

Wow. If anybody ever hears me utter the words “I think I’ll have a garage sale” again…I expect to be immediately hauled off in a white, strappy jacket because I’ve clearly lost my effing mind.

I assumed a garage sale would be easy. A no-brainer. A simple, efficient way to make some easy cash. L.O.L!!!! I am a TOTAL moron.

That was seriously more difficult and painful than giving birth (granted I had a c-sec along with all the yummy numbing meds that go along with it…but I digress).

I started the prep for my fantabulous garage sale on Friday morning…at 9:30AM…with a trip to the store for supplies, followed by hauling, setting up, cleaning, folding, stacking, bundling, and pricing…until MIDNIGHT. I am nothing if not thorough. (See the picture – all bundled and pretty – you like, no?)

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The next morning I awoke achey all over. And I initially assumed that it was just my overworked body groaning loudly that I’m too old and too out of shape to think I can participate in any activity more strenuous than some mouth breathing while watching True Blood. But alas, it was actually my body saying “you got a big, bad cold beyotch and yer screwed cuz you have this maximum lame garage sale to conduct today…moron!” (Ah – my body – always shootin’ me straight. But again, I digress.)

So, I rolled across the bed until I fell out and then crawled to the bathroom to splash water on my face and, hopefully, wake the hell up. About 30 minutes later, I stumbled out to the garage wearing some pajamas that, IMHO, do a good job of impersonating normal clothing, and began finalizing the set-up. This was about 7:15AM. (Don’t even say it! I know what you’re thinking – “that’s too late to start your garage sale!” – well too bad. I’m a moron – not a glutton for punishment and no way, no how was I hauling my sweet cheeks out of my bed at the ass crack of dawn to hawk crap I didn’t want. So there. *sticks out tongue*)

By 7:45AM people were starting to arrive. My signs were placed around the block and in front of my house – I’d done my due diligence and created some beauties. Alas, they were not meant to be because we had a TORRENTIAL DOWNPOUR that turned them all to orange mush with badly drawn arrows. But the people, they were a-coming.

SIDE NOTE: Which begs the question…why did noone tell me about the ‘professional’ garage sale shoppers? The men that show up super early on the hunt for old tech gadgets, tools, antiques and videos that they may be able to sell for a profit? I was seriously weirded out when for the 1st hour or so of my garage sale, my only visitors were loudly grumbling men who needed a bath and complained about the fact that all I had was baby stuff…are you SERIOUS?! That’s exactly what the multiple Craigslist ads said! Baby Stuff! Sheesh. And *squirm* – I did not know how to handle these folks, so I just smiled and mumbled through my stuffed nose, “come again.” It was at this point that DH asked if I was OK – because clearly, we did not want these folks to “come again.” I wasn’t OK. I was undercoffeed and over-cold medicated. But again…I digress.

By noon, we’d had about 10 visitors to our garage sale. All but 3 of whom complained…loudly. The other 3 bought a bundle of stuff and declared that my garage looked like a store. (I should explain that I have a 2-car garage, and given that I live in PDX, I was expecting rain as a distinct possibility, so I set up my sale so that everything could be comfortably displayed within the dry, carpeted, shelved garage. It was glorious. And a total pain in the ass. Yeah – over. achiever. I also vaccuumed throughout the day. I have a problem. I would show you a picture but apparently, I’m a moron and didn’t take one of the full room. I do however have the amazing wolf head I discussed in the earlier garage sale post, for your viewing pleasure. You are welcome.)

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By this time, I was also complaining…loudly. And my stepmom looked at me and said “whatever money we make, is all yours – but I’ll be surprised if you bust $100.” This folks, was when I began to really get down. I whined, I complained, I bitched and moaned. I ate 3 (3!!) donuts (did I mention we had complimentary coffee and donuts – we did – that’s just the way I roll).

I was told it was just the weather. It was the signs – they were soggy. It was the cheap dollar store yard sale balloons with their lesser helium that were lying, dejected, on the ground in front of my driveway rather than proclaiming our sale to the world. I was told it was just the way garage sales go. *sigh*

It was at this time that the sun came out. It broke through the clouds and bounced, sparkling off of my sad balloons. And my stepmom looked at me and said “get up – we’re moving stuff into the driveway so people can see it – that will get them in.” I figured, whatever, I feel like poo and I hate garage sales. I’ll just go along with it if it makes her happy.

And you’ll never, ever guess. Never.

It totally friggin’ worked.

We had people RUNNING up the driveway! Sadly, most of PDX seems to be preparing for a boy – so the majority of my adorable, rarely-if-ever-worn baby girl clothes were not purchased – and in my slump of a few hours before, I’d marked everything in the room half price – but that’s what consignment stores are for, right?! And oddly enough, I did sell a lot of MY clothes – not what I expected. And I sold my breast pump – which I only used about 5 times and had a whole second set of unused tubes and parts for because we had a rental with all the supplies for that prior to getting our pump. And best of all – top of the heap – cream of the crop…

THE FRIGGIN’ RESIN LEOPARD TOTALLY SOLD! I actually stopped the guy that was buying it and using the ruse that I needed to photograph the item given that my stepmom was away at the moment and it was hers, so I needed to document the sale (do not ask me why I felt the need to create an elaborate story instead of just asking if I could snap the picture – it may be because I tend toward dramatics – who knows) and he totally let me take the picture!

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And that’s it. I made a measly $175. That’s all. For 2 full days of back breaking, mind numbing work. But the stuff I took to the consigment store is already selling and I learned a valuable lesson: Garage sales are hell. And I’m not cut out for them. My hat’s off to all those ladies that are able to pull this off. My mom informed me that she made $1300 at her last garage sale. Maria (@BOREDmommy) made $1700 at hers. Not me. I’m sticking to consignment stores. And fewer backaches. GO ME!

 

EXTRA LOVE: I still can’t believe I forgot to take an ‘after’ picture of the setup room. I did mention I’m a moron, right? Well, here’s a ‘before’ so you can get some idea of what I was up against…and that rack of clothes hanging in the top right corner…that’s ALL baby girl stuff…and that’s not even half of it. *le sigh*

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!!!SATURDAY!!**SATURDAY**!!SATURDAY!!!

The title for this post seriously needs to be read by one of those “crazy car salesman” guys because this is an EVENT people!

**VIDEO DISCLAIMER BELOW**

*groan*

This Saturday, I am conducting a garage sale with my stepmother. Do not ask what level of hell I’ve willingly chosen to enter by taking on this task as I’m sure we’re straddling the line somewhere around 7 & 8.

I have never done a garage sale. Never.

I was promoted to dive into this task last Sunday while at my dad and stepmom’s house. I was hanging out, enjoying some down time while the Pineapple and DH napped and my stepmom was busy elsewhere in the house, and I started really looking around. And…

HOLY CRAPTACULAR WEIRD WOLF HEAD SCULPTURE TUCKED AWAY ON THE TOP SHELF IN THE OFFICE.

Where in the H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks did THAT thing come from?! And why do they have it actually inside of their home?!

As I turned around…GAH!!!!

HOLY RESIN LEOPARD CROUCHED OVER A ROCK SCULPTURE!

*gasp* – *clutches chest*

You’ve got to be kidding me.

I called out to my stepmom – asking what the hell that thing was?! Her reponse: “a wolf head.” A wolf head, people. A resin, sculpted wolf head on a plackard of wood. Next to a painting of the New York City skyline. This called for drastic measures.

“We shall have a garage sale! And some Twifan will buy this wolf head! We shall have it this Saturday. And it will be glorious.” I proclaimed.

“Yay!” – stepmother, clapping hands.

“Oh crap.” – me when I realized what I’d just done.

So now, I’m in full clean out mode. I’ve got baby junk that is too small for Pineapple or obsolete because she really thinks that jumperoo is so two-thousand and late.

I’ll be working on this throughout the week and would LOVE any tips or advice any of you garage sale afficianados may have for me. All advice is welcome (and probably necessary at this point because I don’t even know where to get tags for this stuff *grimace*). Also, I’m sure I’ll have some fun pics and awesome garage sale stories…so that’s good…blog fodder. Am I right?!

**This probably doesn’t need to be said – but just in cases – we will NOT be providing gynecological services at our garage sale. Thank you. And ew.**