ATTACK OF THE PINEAPPLE

Pineapple has become not only aggressive and loud but aggressively loud. DH and I frequently feel “under attack” and are learning to manage it but I thought it might be helpful to share with you the ways to spot if you are being attacked by an unruly Pineapple….Good luck…and God bless….

SIGNS YOU’RE IN IMMINENT DANGER OF A PINEAPPLE ATTACK

  • It’s quiet. Too quiet. And where is the dog???
  • You smell something that doesn’t smell good or right…and you’re not sure where the smell is coming from…but you can hear a crinkly noise headed your way. Run now – or better yet, call for your significant other because this means Pineapple is headed your way¬†with a full diaper.
  • You hear a high-pitched squeal and a stomping noise moving closer. She’s on the warpath and will most likely wrap her little arms and legs around your calf and stare at you pleading “up peeez.” This is impossible to fight off. You will be unable to resist. It doesn’t matter what you are doing…even using the bathroom. LOCK THE DOOR!
  • You hear “hi…hi….hi….hi…” This is the battlecry of the Pineapple. She does this to disarm you. It seems really, really cute…but understand that this is intended to throw you off guard. You will soon feel her wrath.
  • You see the dog and/or cat running in your direction. They are running FROM something. Most likely a menacing Pineapple. You’re probably already out of time but it may be worth attempting to look busy.

SIGNS YOU ARE ALREADY UNDER ATTACK

  • Your shoulder/chest/stomach/arms/legs feel damp and gooey – possibly even sticky. She has slimed you with snot, spit up, food particles and drool. Even if you escape, you will wear her mark…there is no hope for you.
  • You are awoken by a tiny fist to the nose. You’re not even safe in sleep. Please understand though that this fist will be followed up with the request for a bottle…submit immediately or perish.
  • You’re in a crowd of people at Target and they are all staring at you. The screaming and kicking toddler at your feet combined with the stares are a sure indicator that the gig is up and folks will now become aware that Pineapple is control…not you. The other parents will understand…the rest of the store will either be annoyed or simply feel sorry for you.
  • You find dirt on the floor in your bedroom and Pineapple carrying fistfuls from the flowerbed and sandbox just outside of the sliding door. Again, she’ll throw a “hi” at you and bat her weensy lashes. She owns you. Surrender now and accept your fate.

My 10 Grossest Parenting Moments….to date.

WARNING: This post is not for the squeamish. You will be grossed out. Your boundaries will be pushed…MY boundaries will be pushed. But for posterity’s sake…this post must happen.

You’ve been warned. Enter at your own risk. And FOR THE LOVE – DO NOT WEAR WHITE!!!!! (Oh and you might want to wait until after lunch….just in case.)

I have had some disgusting interesting moments as a parent. I’ve been absolutely shocked by some of my experiences. Flabbergasted that I’ve been able to make it through them without alternately throwing up or running from the room. I’ve decided to compile this list of gross moments because…well, they need to be remembered. I need to remember what I did for Pineapple…for that matter, so does Pineapple. So, without further ado…my Top 10 GROSSEST parenting moments…to date.

#10: Coming in at number 10 is dirt. Just dirt in general. Let Pineapple outside for even one minute and what does she do?…heads for the garden. My (wanna)bee garden, my garden-garden…whatever…as long as there is dirt. And she grabs HANDFULS of it. And then she brings them to me. You know…because all moms really love dirt. Dirt is awesome. Yay dirt. <INSERT HEAVY SARCASM> Last weekend, Pineapple made it over to the garden and grabbed a handful of dirt – and probably, unfortunately, a few seeds – and brought me some. It was so kind of her. Really. Then she put some in her pocket. For safe keeping. The really gross part? My handful had a worm in it. Joy.

#9: Drool is next. O. M. G. I am so darned, stinkin’ sick of drool. This kid drools more than a teething rottweiler. It is unbelievable the amount of drool that she puts out. I just don’t get it. And the worst? When she has “food particles” in the drool. Yep, cookie bits and carrot bits and broccoli bits…you name it and it’s probably oozing out of her mouth at any given moment. And she JUST STANDS THERE and lets it ooze out. Yesterday evening, she was eating some bunny cookies and walking around drooling, she decided she wanted a hug…she climbs up on my chair…she puts her WEE arms around me <momentary bliss> then she rubs her face on my cheek…meaning, she SMEARED HER COOKIE DROOL ALL OVER MY CHEEK AND IN MY HAIR. ūüė¶ *sigh* And yuck.

#8: She likes to “dip dip dip.” Oh Lord…this is nasty…OK, here goes. Pineapple watches mommy and daddy “dip their chips” in the salsa or their bread in the hummus and she wants to do it, too. She wants to “dip dip dip.” It was SUPER cute when it started. Soooo adorable. Well now,¬†a meal cannot go by without her needing to “dip dip dip” her food. So, we’ve turned to ketchup, which she loves. So why is this gross? you ask…well, that would be because whatever she “dip dip dips” she then SUCKS CLEAN and re-dips. This includes meat, tater tots, french fries, chicken bites, chips, crackers, you name it and it goes far beyond the “double dip” into the triple and quadruple dip. We have to beg her to please eat a bit of the food rather than just keep dipping and dipping. I cannot describe in words how nasty this really is during the process. Just trust me, it is super gross.

#7: The double dip. Before you get confused, I’m not referring to her chip dipping here, I’m referring to her dipping her fingers in her nose. Yep, she totally shoves her fingers knuckle-deep into her nose…then she puts them in her mouth…and she does both nostrils, and both fingers AT THE SAME TIME. DH caught her doing this one day as he drove her home from daycare and he almost threw up in the car. And she does it ALL the time. We don’t want to make a big deal of it because we don’t want her to think “oh this is great – I totally get attention for this behavior!” So for the most part, we pretend it’s not happening. But sometimes, DH just can’t take it and he’ll pull her fingers out of her nose…or mouth….*shudder.*

#6: This would be the time that Pineapple LICKED the hand rails on the MAX train in downtown PDX. I don’t even think this needs further explanation. You’ve read my posts about how I’m a total hand sanitizer addict and for me to have to watch my child LICK the hand rails on the train was akin to a nun being forced to watch the Exorcist. It’s just. not. right.

#5: A couple of weeks ago, Pineapple was having some tummy issues. She was sort of spitting up/throwing up randomly. Well, this time in particular, she was standing in front of my chair and she just barfed. All over herself and the floor. It was a LOT of barf. And she looked at it for a moment, made sort of a spitty “bleh” sound, then bent down and began PLAYING in it. I was pulling her out of the mess – which she was swirling around and then PUTTING BACK IN HER MOUTH – OMG, OMG – and the dog wandered over….you know what? I like you readers, so let’s just stop this story here.

#4: Pineapple is lactose intolerant. Before we figured this out, we had a long period of time managing tummy problems, booty rashes, and interesting diapers – I also wore a great deal of spit up on my clothes to work each day – but we eventually figured out what the deal was and were able to mitigate these issues. When this was giong on, though, Pineapple might just “blow out” either end at any given moment. One day in particular, we were all dressed up and getting ready to head out to a party and show off our sweet little Pineapple. DH was holding her on his lap and I was gathering some items for the diaper bag. Then DH says “what’s that smell?” I walked over, sniffing, and said “that’s poop” – I think she pooped…at this point, DH got a very odd look on his face and lifted Pineapple off his lap…which was VERY wet and VERY orangey/brown…all over.¬† Again, DH struggled not to vomit…and I struggled not to fall on the floor during my fit of laughter. Yes, it was gross…but it was gross on DH this time – not me. LOL!

#3: Carrying over the poop theme…I was out shopping with my dad one day. We were checking out TV’s and making a grocery store run and we’d brought Pineapple along. I noticed while we were in Best Buy that Pineapple was smelling “less than fresh.” So, when we got out to the car, I decided to change her diaper in the seat. Holy. Crap. Literally. It was the grossest, wettest, nastiest, most horrific poop I have every smelled/seen/dealt with in my entire life. And it was EVERYWHERE. It was on her clothes, all the way up her back, down her legs, in her socks. And during the changing, it got in her hair, on my hands, on my clothes, on dad’s seat…seriously. It was like a poop tornado and we were all getting hit with debris. And the smell. Oh Lord, the smell. <GAGGING RIGHT NOW THINKING ABOUT IT>

#2: Sorry – but it’s poop again. (If you are a parent, you understand why. If you are not a parent, let this serve as some reliable birth control.) This time, it’s a bit different…but still…for. the love. Pineapple was VERY tiny and we were at a friend’s house. I had to change her diaper as she had pooped and peed and was rather ripe. I took her into the room to change her only to realize there was no safe place to lie her down and I didn’t have her changing pad. So, I used the floor – which was nicely carpeted. As I took off her diaper and removed it <TOTAL ROOKIE MOVE ALERT> she began making a “red face” which was an indicator that she was going to go “poop.” I didn’t have her fresh diaper handy and here I was looking at my friend’s beautiful, clean, lightly colored carpet and desperately hoping she would have us over again at some point. So, as I watched my baby’s face turn red, I…wait for it…stuck my hand under her tiny hiney and caught the poop before it could land on the carpet. I caught it…In. My. Hand. Thankfully DH walked in right about then…he gagged several times then took over diaper duty so I could quickly run to the restroom, throw the poopy in the potty, flush, dry heave, wash my hands, dry heave, wash my hands again, and return as if nothing had happened. The things we do for our children, people.

#1:¬†A month or so ago, just after Pineapple had¬†eaten dinner,¬†I picked her up over my head and was flinging her up and down and tickling her tummy with my head <TOTAL ROOKIE MOVE¬†…again>. I looked up smiling at my BEAUTIFUL baby girl who was smiling back at me….and she puked…in my mouth.

DH ALMOST didn’t make it that time. We won’t talk about me…suffice to say, I took a shower.

Parenting is GROSS. Make no mistake. But if you are a non-parent and you’re reading this, you have to recognize that we parents wouldn’t do these things if it wasn’t truly worth it. I’ve pushed my boundaries beyond anything I believed imaginable…and it has been totally worth it.

I hope nobody read this during or immediately following lunch¬†– but I hope you at least got a giggle at my parenting expense. Please share your experiences…so I don’t feel quite so alone in the void of gross-land! ūüėČ

 

Did You Just LICK That?! (or – Why It is a Waste of $ to Buy Hand Sanitizer)

I’m a self-proclaimed helicopter mom. It’s what I do. I hover and worry and spritz myself, my child, and anyone who happens to be standing near with non-alcohol based hand sanitizer. It’s my little attempt to balance the ‘my-kid-goes-to-daycare-and-is-therefore-exposed-to-every-germ-on-the-planet-and-is-sick-too-frequently-for-comfort’ syndrome I’m currently suffering from.

However, I realized ALL of my efforts are for naught the other day as Pineapple and I were ‘cleaning’ up the closet.

It went something like this:

Me: Oh Pineapple are you helping mommy clean the closet?! You’re such a good, sweet, smart baby!

Pineapple: A-yeah! (she’s says ‘yeah’ a lot)

Me: Are you going to help mommy pick up daddy’s shoes? Bad old daddy left them all over the place again! No, no, no daddy! <waggling finger>

Pineapple: N-n-n da-da! <waving hand madly around>

Me: OK, I’m just going to finish putting these shirts in this drawer – you start putting those shoes in that basket, OK?

Pineapple: A-yeah.

<I turn my back and begin putting clean laundry in the drawers as I listen to Pineapple diligently place DH’s shoes in the basket. Turning around to admire her handiwork, I see something disturbing…..>

Me: PINEAPPLE!!! Did you just LICK the bottom of that SHOE?!

Pineapple: A-yeah. <Pineapple nods her head and selects a flip flop from the floor. I then watch in horror as she examines the bottom, sticks out her tiny pink tongue and gives it a good lick.>

Images courtesy of Bing image search

Me: OH NO! STOP LICKING DADDY’S NASTY SHOE BOTTOMS RIGHT NOW!!!

Pineapple: A-yeah. <As she licks the bottom of a tennis shoe.>

Images courtesy of Bing image search

Me: ACK!!!!

So, as you can see…all of that money on hand sanitizer. All of that worry over her health and well-being completely undone by the innocent act of straightening up the closet. I tell you now – it’s a futile effort. At this point, I’m just waiting for her to lick the rails on the street car or eat gum from under the table because, let’s face it folks, it can’t get any worse…..right? No, I don’t want to hear your toilet story, thankyouverymuch.

If you give a mom a moment…she would NOT…

I love fairytales – and to be honest, the title of this post has all the makings of a very good one. But @mamakatslosinit asked us to write…so I write.

With that in mind, I’m going to throw a twist on this theme….rather than listing the things a mom might do if she had a moment, I think I’ll stick to what she WOULDN’T do if she could just take a moment. So, here we go!

  • If you give a mom a moment…she would NOT choose to suck on your boogie dipped finger. She loves you. But seriously, that is just gross.
  • If you give a mom a moment….she would NOT just hand you some goldfish instead of some fresh fruit and vegetables. Sorry!
  • If you give a mom a moment…maybe she¬†WOULDN’T take it out on daddy….ok, who am I kidding?! Daddy totally deserved that! One of these days daddy…to the moon!!!
  • If you give a mom a moment….she would NOT consume coffee only…she would probably have a latte – and a scone…maybe a donut. Yeah. A donut.
  • If you give a mom a moment…she would NOT attend her meeting with you crying in the background…she’d probably skip the meeting.
  • If you give a mom a moment…she might NOT make a snap decision to have a garage sale…OY VEY!
  • If you give a mom a moment…she would NOT have to sit in her car in the driveway to read Twilight books for 5 minutes…again.
  • If you give a mom a moment…she might NOT approach her tasks like a zombie…typity type type….*grooooooooaaannn*
  • If you give a mom a moment…her eyebrows might NOT look like baby chinchillas perched on her forehead.
  • If you give a mom a moment….I can guarantee she would NOT spend it examining your poop for that bit of yarn from the dog toy that she watched you pop in your mouth earlier that day. NO MOUTH! No!
  • If you give a mom a moment…she would NOT sleep…mom’s don’t need sleep. I thought you knew that given your propensity to 3AM playdates…you didn’t know? Oh – well, now you do.

If you give a mom a moment…a real one…if you say she can take a moment just for her….she would probably…most likely…spend it with you. Love you Pineapple!

Really?! Duuuude….

This morning I stopped at SBux (yes – SBux) to support my overly developed caffeine habit and saw something I didn’t need to see. As I pulled in and parked in front of the big, picture window, I noticed a nicely dressed gentleman sitting at a table alone, reading the paper. Before shutting off my headlights, this fellow was trapped in a “spotlight” of sorts. So to say that I was a wee bit taken aback when he began picking his nose with fervor would be an understatement. This action prompted me to have the following “conversation” with him – from the safety of my car, of course:

Ew – dude – didn’t your mom ever tell you not to pick your nose? A snappin’ turtle lives in there for cheese-n-rice sake!

Ugh – so you’re just gonna keep on diggin…WHOA! In your MOUTH?!

Did you SERIOUSLY just put your nasty, nose-pickin’ finger IN YOUR MOUTH! In the coffee shop!?

OMG. Y

ou are nasty dude…ah – back for seconds. *SHUDDER*

Happy Tuesday, Peeps. It’s a “pickin’ and a-grinnin’ kind of day.”