Hand, Foot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?

Kids should come with disclaimers. For real. There are tons of things nobody told me before I had a kid – most of them good, some of them awful – but there should be a handbook or guide or something. Those What to Expect books fall short, IMHO, on providing details about the odd little rashes, itches, owies, and yuckies that kids get.

For example…Hand, Food, and Mouth Disease. Seriously. (And no, not to be confused with “Hoof and Mouth” Disease.) This little doozy is related to chicken pox and causes painful canker sores inside of your wee one’s mouth, on the palms of their hands, and the soles of their feet. Oh and when the ones on their hands and feet get all blistery, they pop and release pus. Dis-gusting. We narrowly avoided this one earlier this week but now I have to live in fear…waiting for the next outbreak. And I know that primarily kids under 10 get this one but I swear my throat is hurty and I’m pretty sure I have a canker sore – and my feet feel a little raw – possibly due to the many walks in the beautiful weather, wearing inappropriate shoes but that’s neither here nor there…and oh crap…I am such a friggin’ hypochondriac. Moving on…

The drooling. For. The. Friggin’. Love. I am SO OVER the DROOLING. I’ve literally taken to encouraging Pineapple to close her mouth and make a kissy noise in order to suck up some of that drool. I’m sick of wearing it and I’m sick of my house appearing to be infested by a gang of bi-pedal snails who happily trail their Kix Cereal and ketchup drool all over the place. ENOUGH ALREADY! I’ve been told, by the doctor no less, that this WILL stop and Pineapple will not be the only kid in highschool happily drooling all over her desktop…but I gotta say…I’m unconvinced at this point in time.

What is with the yeast infection butt rashes??? How on Earth does she develop a yeast infection on her BEHIND?! I simply do not get it. And it’s bright red and raw and irritated and I KNOW it’s painful…I just don’t get it. But a quick tip – if your kidlet gets this, a friend of mine who works in pediatrics told me to just get some myconizol (some monistat or lotrimin will do) and mix it with some Vaseline (you don’t want to use hiney cream because there’s alcohol in the cream that can sting). It works great, it’s cheap and I can make just as much as I need. (Disclaimer: I am NOT a doctor so take this for what it’s worth.)

Weird boogers are disgusting…and why does my kid always HAND them to me?! She sneezed the other day and walked over saying “here mama” and I reached out my hand expecting something sweet from my Pineapple only to receive a slimy brown thing that was actually rather large. I put two and two together and figured out that she had sneezed this out of her nose. It was BIG. And after dismissing the idea that it was a baby slug – OMG, I seriously thought that for a moment and was near vomiting – I realized it was a piece of bark mulch from the playground…that she had CLEARLY shoved up her nose. WHY?! Who knows why. I swear. *groan*

Speaking of orifices…what is with the…ahem….how to say this politely?…digging around? Honestly…get your hands out of your pants already! Why oh why does she do this?! I’ve had other friends tell me their little girls are the same – and some of my friends with boys have told me tales of this sort of “exploring” that make me thankful I have a girl – but seriously, some times her “explorations” just look painful. I can’t tell her not to do it – it is hers after all and I don’t want to freak her out about it or anything – but I will be so glad when this phase is over. :S

I’ve started having dreams about cleaning her diapers. In my dreams, her diaper is leaking and it’s so messy and gross and I’m trying to clean it and it just won’t get clean. This makes me think it’s time for potty training but from what I understand, that is no walk in the park either and I’m not quite prepared to have pee and other stuff (besides the DROOL and food bits) all over my floor. Not yet. But I’m getting close.

 
When she looks like this, she’s likely to go from happy to mad in SECONDS.

And I know she’s 2 years old and she’s going through a lot – lots of changes and development and learning and BLAH BLAH BLAH…but this attitude of hers just sucks. She can be downright mean. And not just to me – although I am the primary target – but also to her caregivers at school. And particularly, the caregiver that looks like me. And she’ll randomly decide she doesn’t want me to pick her up – she wants dad to do it – but then NO! – not dad! MOMMY! – but NO…DADDY! *Frustration, thy name is PINEAPPLE.* For example, I loaded her in the car after school the other day after she’d run to the car saying “YAY!” only to have her freak out the moment I put her in, take a swing at me (no joke), and yell “NO NO NOOOO!” All while sobbing loudly. I asked “is something pinching? Are you OK? What happened?!” and she just looked at me with venom in her eyes and screamed at the top of her lungs. I had no idea what to do. After much pleading for any additional information from her she told me she wanted “out!” I said “don’t you want to go home and see daddy and the puppy and kitty?” and she said “YES!” and I said “then you have to ride in the car” and she said “NOOOOOOO!!!!” I then calmly said “well, too bad” and walked around the car, got in the drivers’ seat, and cranked up some dance music. At which point….

….she proceeded to dance.

(So. Cute. Heart. Melty.)

She was bopping her head and when the music said “I throw my hands up in the air sometime” she actually put her tiny hands in the air…and waved them. I love this kid. She’s so friggin’ cute. I know she sounds like a pain in the butt – which she kind of is…some of the time – but OMG. She’s just my world.

*sigh*

I think I’m doomed. Agree?

 

Football Sucks

I do not like sports,

I’m not a fan.

I do not like them

No way, no ma’am.

I particularly dislike football, of course

Although golf might be worse…it’s played on a course.

I do not like the final four

I do not care about the score

It’s fine if you like it

Enjoy the show.

I’ll be watching New Moon…

It’s out on DVD now, you know.

XOXO Rachael

(This is my sad attempt at a Seuss-ish post. It’s stinky, I know. And I should clarify that I love LIVE sports…but watching it on TV…ARGH! GO TIGERS!)

Did You Just LICK That?! (or – Why It is a Waste of $ to Buy Hand Sanitizer)

I’m a self-proclaimed helicopter mom. It’s what I do. I hover and worry and spritz myself, my child, and anyone who happens to be standing near with non-alcohol based hand sanitizer. It’s my little attempt to balance the ‘my-kid-goes-to-daycare-and-is-therefore-exposed-to-every-germ-on-the-planet-and-is-sick-too-frequently-for-comfort’ syndrome I’m currently suffering from.

However, I realized ALL of my efforts are for naught the other day as Pineapple and I were ‘cleaning’ up the closet.

It went something like this:

Me: Oh Pineapple are you helping mommy clean the closet?! You’re such a good, sweet, smart baby!

Pineapple: A-yeah! (she’s says ‘yeah’ a lot)

Me: Are you going to help mommy pick up daddy’s shoes? Bad old daddy left them all over the place again! No, no, no daddy! <waggling finger>

Pineapple: N-n-n da-da! <waving hand madly around>

Me: OK, I’m just going to finish putting these shirts in this drawer – you start putting those shoes in that basket, OK?

Pineapple: A-yeah.

<I turn my back and begin putting clean laundry in the drawers as I listen to Pineapple diligently place DH’s shoes in the basket. Turning around to admire her handiwork, I see something disturbing…..>

Me: PINEAPPLE!!! Did you just LICK the bottom of that SHOE?!

Pineapple: A-yeah. <Pineapple nods her head and selects a flip flop from the floor. I then watch in horror as she examines the bottom, sticks out her tiny pink tongue and gives it a good lick.>

Images courtesy of Bing image search

Me: OH NO! STOP LICKING DADDY’S NASTY SHOE BOTTOMS RIGHT NOW!!!

Pineapple: A-yeah. <As she licks the bottom of a tennis shoe.>

Images courtesy of Bing image search

Me: ACK!!!!

So, as you can see…all of that money on hand sanitizer. All of that worry over her health and well-being completely undone by the innocent act of straightening up the closet. I tell you now – it’s a futile effort. At this point, I’m just waiting for her to lick the rails on the street car or eat gum from under the table because, let’s face it folks, it can’t get any worse…..right? No, I don’t want to hear your toilet story, thankyouverymuch.

Did I Cause This Self-Loathing?

My kiddo will eat anything. Seriously. You name it and she’ll eat it. She LOVES broccoli! And carrots! We’re talking about a kid here. Historically, they’re not known for digging veggies but my little Pineapple lives for them.

She’s a big eater, too. She’ll sit up like a big girl in her chair and do the sign for ‘more’ over and over so we’ll keep feeding her. (You’d think she’d be a chunker but she’s not – she super slim – she must have stolen my metabolism while in utero because Lord knows I haven’t been able to find it since she was born…hmm...)

She also enjoys all sorts of fruit – though blueberries are her favorite (we can tell because after she eats a couple, she’ll yell ‘bububees’ which we are taking to mean ‘blueberries’ – she’s also guilty of blueberry theft, but that’s another story). She’ll eat meat – mostly chicken or turkey – but she likes almost all of it.

We give her sweets rarely but she enjoys vanilla ice cream and even mochi! Speaking of Japanese food, she loves sushi – not the raw kinds – but she likes seaweed salad and she likes to eat rice with vegetables and gyoza. I’m telling you this kid will eat anything….

except….

pineapple.

That’s right folks. Pineapple will NOT eat pineapple. I actually watched her put a piece of pineapple in her mouth, make a face, spit it back out into her hand and then place it on the opposity side of her tray. As if to say ‘EWWWWW – get that crap-ola away from me!’ I couldn’t believe it.

So, I cut it up differently and placed another piece right in front of her. She took the bait…with the same result – a partially masticated bit of pineapple placed as far away as she could possibly get it.

I’m wondering if maybe it’s because she somehow knows that Pineapple is her nickname and to eat pineapple would be kinda gross? Like those disgusting DQ commercials where the shrimp are enjoying ‘popcorn’ only to discover that the children are missing…ewwwww. Or the old movie theater cartoons for the snack stand that featured a coke drinking a coke…and a candybar eating a candybar…sick, people…just sick.

So maybe, Pineapple has some aversion because of her nickname? As soon as she can talk coherently…I plan to ask her.